关键对话 Mar, 2016
Difficult Conversation(关键对话)，是指让你感到害怕和焦虑的对话，比如家人间、情侣间的吵架，上下级间的工作安排等。 本书对这种对话进行了深入的剖析，将问题分解看透彻之后可以更好的处理这种对话。
The problem
关键对话的结构：
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What happend
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The feelings conversation
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The identity conversation
我们不能改变周围，但是能改变的是对待这些挑战的反应。
What happend
不要一上来就认为你是对的，试图搞清楚对方的感知、解释和价值观。
对方的意图可能很复杂，不要预先假定是坏的。
不要一味责备对方，试图弄清楚双方对造成问题的贡献。
Feeling conversation
情感是困难对话的核心。
Identity conversation
调整你的认知失调造成的困难感是最有技巧可学习的。
Shift to a learning stance
What happend conversation
Stop arguing about who’s right, explore each other’s stories.
每个人对故事的解读都是有道理的。 争吵阻碍了我们从他人的角度理解故事。
为什么会有不同的故事解读：我们注意到的和获取到的信息不同。 我们有不同的解读，受过去经历和隐含的规则的影响。
对他人的故事感到好奇。
有时候了解对方的立场不代表一定要同意，比如提出分手的时候，承认双方的立场。
Don’t assume they mean it: disentangle intent from impact.
我们假设别人的意图通常是错的。
试图去理解自己复杂的意图会给对方传递积极和在乎的信号。
将你的意图告诉对方，试图弄清楚你的行为对对方的影响。
Abandon blame: map the contribution system
blame是关于judging但是contribution是关于understanding并且looking forward。
提问我们各自做了或没做什么导致了这种结果，可以如何改进。
在此过程中分享情感是必要的。
四个容易忽略的错误：avoiding until now. being approachable. 忽略了每个人都很不一样。problemic role assumptions.
The feeling conversation
Have your feelings
情感是关键对话的核心。
不应该抛开情感只谈问题解决。
找到你的情感，和情感协商，然后分享真实的感受。
理解情感很困难，受到原生家庭的很多错误影响。
责备可以成为你探寻更深层次情感的线索。
情感是基于感知的，感知可以协商，因此情感也可以协商。
The identity conversation
Groud your identity: ask yourself what’s at stake
核心认知：我有竞争力么？我是好人么？我值得爱么？
错误的认知：all or nothing
找到你的不稳定的认知，然后对它有清楚的认识。
Create a learning conversation
What’s your purpose? When to raise it and when to let it go
发起关键对话之前先思考：你们之间是否真的有矛盾？是否有比发起对话更好的解决方法？你的目的是否合理？
Sometimes just let it go.
Getting start: begin from the third story
我们通常从自己的故事开始，但是这会很不愉快。
从第三方视角的故事开始。
Road map
将原版的操作手册摘录如下~
Step l: Prepare by Walking Through the Three Conversations
Sort out What Happened.
Where does your story come from (information, past experiences, rules)? Theirs?
What impact has this situation had on you? What might their intentions have been?
What have you each contributed to the problem?
Understand Emotions.
Explore your emotional footprint, and the bundle of emotions you experience.
Ground Your Identity.
What’s at stake for you about you? What do you need to accept to be better grounded?
Step 2: Check Your Purposes and Decide Whether to Raise the Issue
Purposes: What do you hope to accomplish by having this conversation? Shift your stance to support learning, sharing, and problem-solving.
Deciding: Is this the best way to address the issue and achieve your purposes? Is the issue really embedded in your Identity Conversation? Can you affect the problem by changing your contributions? If you don’t raise it, what can you do to help yourself let go?
Step 3: Start from the Third Story
Describe the problem as the difference between your stories. Include both viewpoints as a legitimate part of the discussion.
Share your purposes.
Invite them to join you as a Partner in sorting out the situation together.
Step 4: Explore Their Story and Yours
Listen to understand their perspective on what happened. Ask questions. Acknowledge the feelings behind the arguments and accusations. Paraphrase to see if you’ve got it. Try to unravel how the two of you got to this place.
Share your own viewpoint, your past experiences, intentions, feelings.
Reframe, reframe, reframe to keep on track. From truth to perceptions, blame to contribution, accusations to feelings, and so on.
Step 5: Problem-Solving
Invent options that meet each side’s most important concerns and interests.
Look to standards for what should happen. Keep in mind the standard of mutual caretaking; relationships that always go one way rarely last.
Talk about how to keep communication open as you go forward.